Category Archives: Family


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So I had planned on spending today pouring my heart out a little more: getting some more thoughts, emotions, fears on the page.  Then hubs started puking, Lil Man came home from school and then started puking, and when I thought it was going to be an ok night (as the boys had stopped puking) my SIL and Lil Miss started puking and thus I was up until about 2 and back up at 4:15 with Lil Miss puking some more.

I am thinking I will probably need a nap, but since hubs is scheduled to work and all the other adults are sick I am not sure when that’s going to happen.  (See also: THANK GOD FOR HAND WASHING.  I totally learned how to do it “right” and effectively when mom was going through chemo and I can’t count how many illnesses it has saved me from.)

Thus, I think tomorrow (as long as everyone remains healthyish) I will pour my heart out and get some things out then.


I can’t even think of a title…

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Well, it has been too damn long; not sure how long as I haven’t checked the date of my last post, but I just know it’s too long.

The past while has been a bit hellacious; dealing with school, idiot family members we live with, special needs parenting, and the parenting of my mini-me.

To start school; dude, I am 18 weeks away from having my degree and I am unconcievebly thrilled I am this close to being done with my bachelor’s.  Yet at this point when I should be so excited and feel so close to all my hopes and dreams (including, having a graduate degree by the time I am 30–which I am right on track for) is when I feel the furthest away.

This segways nicely into the idiots we currently live with.  My husband’s Uncle chose to quit his job and do car tint (a job he has never done nor knew how to do) free-lance. 

This means he had to buy all the equipment and supplies to tint without guarantee of jobs.  Yea, genius.  My sister-in-law moved up on the 4th of July; supposedly was going to make my life easier, help with the kids so I could sleep after work (YAY graves) and get homework done.

Yea, not happening.  I had exactly 2 conditions to her living with us without concern of her paying us anything.  Help with the kids (ya know, actually help) and be enrolled in school.  The first being a constant battle, the second she hasn’t even applied to school yet, so yea.

These two on their own would drive me insane; together I feel like I am in a constant state of WTF? moments.  My husband and his uncle decided we should move (which I supported), the move took us 30 minutes south of our current jobs (mine and hubby’s) and reduced our bathroom count to 1 instead of 2. 

So quick re-cap; uncle “self-employed,” sister-in-law suppose to be secondary care-taker to kids, 30 minutes from work (instead of 5), me working full-time plus school, 6 adults and 2 kids living in a 4 bedroom house with ONE bathroom.

So now that we live in this house, in the same town as my abuser and father live (yea, we are on a fuckin’ role), I have to leave for work prior to hubby getting home. Thus, SIL really needs to be helping with kids which is in no way occurring without pulling teeth.

Nearly a week ago I am leaving for work at 10pm, like normal, knock on SIL’s bedroom door and tell her Lil Miss is still awake is on the couch playing computer games (she was getting a break because she had done really well since Lil Man had been melting down for about 2hours before I had to leave). 

I make it out the door, almost to the truck before I hear Lil Miss just screaming and crying (she missed daddy and I was leaving after all).  I waited a moment thinking “SIL will get her,” she’s still crying; so I go back inside.  SIL had never even opened her damn bedroom door to tell Lil Miss to come lay on her bed; which is all she would have had to do.

Literally my SIL didn’t get up, walk less then 10 feet to console her niece! Furious does not begin to describe my emotion.

Oh and prior to moving into this house (literally 2 days before moving) the Uncle and SIL had done a yard sale, took part of that money and bought fucking concert tickets to Iron Maiden.  Yep, you read that right no need to re-read it, promise.

Through this all Hubby and I have had to pay all the bills, and Uncle and SIL still have the audacity to be annoyed and pissy about shit. 

Now, because of having to pay all the pills, the finances aren’t in place for me to be able to take my GRE (a $200 test) and apply to grad schools (do you know how much application fees are?! OMG!).  So, if I am lucky I can start in 2014; that is if the finances work out by then.

Ok, to the kids; Lil Man is officially 3 (birthday was on Saturday).  This birthday had to be the most difficult for us so far; when his sister turned 3 she got a bike and was able to really enjoy her birthday. 

He still doesn’t have the balance or coordination to ride a bike, and most of the ride on toys or trikes are only up to 40lbs (which he almost weighs now).  He couldn’t care less about birthdays; presents are too over stimulating so we don’t wrap them, just keep them hidden until after cake and give them to him.

Lil Miss is so much like me. She tries her best to interact with Lil Man and make sure he stays out of trouble. She also spends a lot of her time interpreting for Del.  I love her and that she is so helpful, but I also know she has to just be a kid; I mean she is only 4.5. 

But beyond that, Uncle and SIL want little to do with her.  They prefer to hang out with Lil Man; after all, he is still a cute “baby” tantrums and all (which now include severe head-banging).  Lil Miss is just me in a small body.

I have taught her she has control over herself and her body.  I have suck out doctors that allow her to make decisions during exams (like telling them she doesn’t want to take off her pants),  I have worked to allow her to feel free to tell an adult “no” when appropriate (some things are non-negotiable, others are very negotiable).

But, to Uncle and SIL it just looks like she is spoiled; and often hubby and I argue over it.  She is strong and I refuse to parent that out of her.  She now accepts when I tell her she can’t have something from the store (she may ask me for 8 MILLION things but she accepts no every time, without a fit).

I refuse to teach her she can’t come to me and tell me her wants and needs; I might not always be able to give her what she wants when she wants it but she can ALWAYS tell me anything. 

In the end life has been hell, turned upside down, and I still have no idea how I am making it through or what I am going to do from here.  Because what I thought my plans were aren’t too promising as of today; which makes me sadder than anyone could ever get. 

I wish I could say I would be back, more often and more consistently; but I just can’t.  I barely make it through one day without bawling, so yea writing it out would probably be good, but most days I am to fuming to make coherent posts. 

I hope to be back, to be more consistent in posting, and to be better at handling things but none of those things are things I can say for certain are going to occur, unfortunately.


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Avoidance, man am I good at it (just ask the Hubby), I have been avoiding dealing with anything for too long.

I have been avoiding planning a move, or lack there of, for months.  First, bring it up in conversation just causes a conversation that goes in circles.  Numerous, small diameter circles; I hate it.

I have been avoiding  figuring out the future; because for the first time the future scares the crap out of me.  I mean really, I’m a college student, I’m 24 but I’m a mommy with everything I am.  I stand firm in my decisions as a mom, but I still have so much I want, feel like I have, to do.

I want my PhD (or PsyD), I want to take the time and get my degree, become a licensed psychologist, to do counseling, so much.  But when I look at it I have to choose; I have to choose because it’s 5-7 years of my family’s life.

Do I apply and attend (if accepted) the school of my dreams, the school that is line with my practitioner goals at the sacrifice of a familial support system for us?  What happens if Lil Man needs more therapies then I can juggle, what if his behaviors get worse?  I mean we have already seen a significant regression in behaviors with me returning to work.

Do I apply and attend a school I am nearly sure I will be accepted at, a master’s program not a doctoral program, where we will have friends and family?  Then I know I have the support if we need more assistance with Lil Man, but the school isn’t in perfect line with my practitioner goals and theories.

Or, do we stay here; I work at a place that has little regard for their employees, when Lil Man is showing regression.  I have been here for 30 days, Lil Man has returned to poo smearing, melt downs have increased, and hitting/head banging have become terrible.  Here where we have little to no help, where I wouldn’t be able to get into school, but we’re “safe.”

For the first time in my life, I am scared of the future.  I am scared of making the wrong decision, I am scared of what time will do to Lil Man, I am scared to death what Lil Miss is going to have to deal with over this time. Can my family handle me being in school for another 5-7 years? Should I be done?  Am I just being selfish insisting I need to continue, I can get a good job in my field with a BA just wouldn’t be doing therapy.

All I have done, anytime I am alone recently I am bawling over where we are now and where we might be in the future; how Lil Man’s behavior has regressed and wondering how I will handle it in the future.  What if none of the things we are doing now help?  Of course, I will still love him fully but how can I manage his behaviors in 3, 5, 10 years down the line?


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Holidays (Christmas especially) went far better than anticipated.  Although a few tantrums occurred it wasn’t overwhelming for Hubby and I to handle.

Today we went back to the Autism Clinic for an “Official” diagnosis.  (Because the state is ridiculous.) And saw Dr. Stobbe, he was very nice and answered a few questions I had lingering from last month’s appointment with Therese.

He has further referred Del to have an EEG (sooner than Therese thought was needed, but then again he is a neurologist so no one is arguing) and a Cardiologist due to his Breath-Holding Spells.

We have appointments for the Dermatologist (Monday) and the Audiologist (a week from Wednesday); I will be picking up the speech therapy report tomorrow to see where we need to go from there.  Also on Monday we will go and get the genetic blood testing done (since it as the hospital too).

Beyond, Lil Man; Lil Miss is doing well, still fighting potty training but I am changing tactics (she seems to want to use the adult potty vs the potty chair), and we will see how that goes.

Hubby is still working and (mostly) enjoying it.

I start my internship tomorrow, and classes start Monday 🙂 I am really excited for the Psychology of Religion class starting Monday.

That is about all for now, and I will post more as I have it (now that the computer is back up :D)

Christmas Prep

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Oh it’s that time of year. Full of family, fun, and stress.

I am almost finished with finals, the kids have now been informed it’s Christmas time (I wait until after Thanksgiving, they still don’t have the seasons figured out), and I begin worrying about presents, overwhelmed and over-stimulated kids.

This year I am more concerned then ever, we have Lil Man who has been diagnosed with autism and we are going to someone else’s house for Christmas Eve dinner.  Not to mention the obvious concern of meltdowns and overstimulation, Lil Miss doesn’t do noise well (like at all), it’s a new house to them, and I have never been there.  We have no place to take them in meltdown mode there, and we have no “breather” space (that’s what we call a timeout, prior to the bad behavior starting…if that makes sense)

And then of course my food allergies; I usually just buck up, take things with me to eat, and take allergy meds.  But, it’s still added stress to get those things ready and make sure those things are not forgotten packed.

Any suggestions from you Autism, food allergy, veteran moms would be appreciated.  Really 😀

I am starting my baking, just chocolate chip cookies today, and after I am finished with finals I am planning on doing fudge and some cupcakes.  Fudge will go into goodie bags for our mailman, garbage man, etc. just like my mom did every year when I was a kid 😛

So what are your favorite treats for Christmas? What goodies to you have to have to make it Christmas?

(Mine is fudge, we make it every year.)


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We received a diagnosis for Lil Man yesterday, it is Autism.  We are now beginning the process to gain services for him; I already have speech therapy scheduled. We also need to go to see a dermatolgist (has really bad eczema), an audiologist, and neurodevelopmental pediatrician.

And possibly some more, I can’t remember.

But, me being Type A have been getting this researched, scheduled, etc as soon as we got the diagnosis yesterday about 2pm.

Alright, as it is 3am and I have homework to do first thing tomorrow I am going to head to bed.  Again, thank you for all the support.

Life Is In the Way AGAIN

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Well, the past week has been a blast. Somehow (eyes 4 year-old with suspicion) a “sticky, yellow substance” came in contact with the logic board, battery, and track pad of my MacBook; they want $755 to fix it all.  Which actually isn’t bad, but I don’t have that much. 

So now I am relying on the library and hubby’s uncles (MICROSOFT) computers, ugh.

But, I have gotten an internship at DAWN here in the Seattle area.  YAY!! I will be starting in January and working through at least the beginning of May.  I am truly excited for this opportunity especially since they took me, even though they have two UW interns that they HAVE to take due to contracts. 

We went to the doctor on Wednesday for Del and I, Tricia and hubby go this coming Wednesday, Del has been classified as “high risk” for Autism and is being sent to Children’s for further evaluation.

Now, we have to wait for the referral to go through and them call us back with an appointment.  I hope it soon, because this hanging in the middle has to be the worst part.  As soon as we have answers as to what is going on, we can create a plan to work it out.  But, right now it’s just limbo and that SUCKS!

I have to (most likely) have another shoulder surgery.  But no one on the west side of the state, usually, takes my insurance. 

I have called some doctors that Molina says are in network, and a few are willing to review records and make a decision from there.  Hopefully someone will do it for me, or I have to wait another 5 months and possibly delay our move. 

Plus, I am not sure if I am gonna come make it another 5 months; today I can barely type, hold a pen, or turn a page.  Which makes not only homework difficult but parenting.  Del isn’t the most cooperative with diaper changes, and doesn’t follow directions, leading to heavy strain on my shoulder. :/ 

That is about all for now, I will update as I can without a computer. 

But if you want quick updates and snippets of what’s going on in life with me and the kiddies.  You can follow me on Twitter or like my Facebook page.  Just click the buttons at the top of the page.

Thanks for the patience and understanding, I miss writing it all out, so hopefully I can figure out a computer QUICK!

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