Category Archives: update

I can’t even think of a title…

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Well, it has been too damn long; not sure how long as I haven’t checked the date of my last post, but I just know it’s too long.

The past while has been a bit hellacious; dealing with school, idiot family members we live with, special needs parenting, and the parenting of my mini-me.

To start school; dude, I am 18 weeks away from having my degree and I am unconcievebly thrilled I am this close to being done with my bachelor’s.  Yet at this point when I should be so excited and feel so close to all my hopes and dreams (including, having a graduate degree by the time I am 30–which I am right on track for) is when I feel the furthest away.

This segways nicely into the idiots we currently live with.  My husband’s Uncle chose to quit his job and do car tint (a job he has never done nor knew how to do) free-lance. 

This means he had to buy all the equipment and supplies to tint without guarantee of jobs.  Yea, genius.  My sister-in-law moved up on the 4th of July; supposedly was going to make my life easier, help with the kids so I could sleep after work (YAY graves) and get homework done.

Yea, not happening.  I had exactly 2 conditions to her living with us without concern of her paying us anything.  Help with the kids (ya know, actually help) and be enrolled in school.  The first being a constant battle, the second she hasn’t even applied to school yet, so yea.

These two on their own would drive me insane; together I feel like I am in a constant state of WTF? moments.  My husband and his uncle decided we should move (which I supported), the move took us 30 minutes south of our current jobs (mine and hubby’s) and reduced our bathroom count to 1 instead of 2. 

So quick re-cap; uncle “self-employed,” sister-in-law suppose to be secondary care-taker to kids, 30 minutes from work (instead of 5), me working full-time plus school, 6 adults and 2 kids living in a 4 bedroom house with ONE bathroom.

So now that we live in this house, in the same town as my abuser and father live (yea, we are on a fuckin’ role), I have to leave for work prior to hubby getting home. Thus, SIL really needs to be helping with kids which is in no way occurring without pulling teeth.

Nearly a week ago I am leaving for work at 10pm, like normal, knock on SIL’s bedroom door and tell her Lil Miss is still awake is on the couch playing computer games (she was getting a break because she had done really well since Lil Man had been melting down for about 2hours before I had to leave). 

I make it out the door, almost to the truck before I hear Lil Miss just screaming and crying (she missed daddy and I was leaving after all).  I waited a moment thinking “SIL will get her,” she’s still crying; so I go back inside.  SIL had never even opened her damn bedroom door to tell Lil Miss to come lay on her bed; which is all she would have had to do.

Literally my SIL didn’t get up, walk less then 10 feet to console her niece! Furious does not begin to describe my emotion.

Oh and prior to moving into this house (literally 2 days before moving) the Uncle and SIL had done a yard sale, took part of that money and bought fucking concert tickets to Iron Maiden.  Yep, you read that right no need to re-read it, promise.

Through this all Hubby and I have had to pay all the bills, and Uncle and SIL still have the audacity to be annoyed and pissy about shit. 

Now, because of having to pay all the pills, the finances aren’t in place for me to be able to take my GRE (a $200 test) and apply to grad schools (do you know how much application fees are?! OMG!).  So, if I am lucky I can start in 2014; that is if the finances work out by then.

Ok, to the kids; Lil Man is officially 3 (birthday was on Saturday).  This birthday had to be the most difficult for us so far; when his sister turned 3 she got a bike and was able to really enjoy her birthday. 

He still doesn’t have the balance or coordination to ride a bike, and most of the ride on toys or trikes are only up to 40lbs (which he almost weighs now).  He couldn’t care less about birthdays; presents are too over stimulating so we don’t wrap them, just keep them hidden until after cake and give them to him.

Lil Miss is so much like me. She tries her best to interact with Lil Man and make sure he stays out of trouble. She also spends a lot of her time interpreting for Del.  I love her and that she is so helpful, but I also know she has to just be a kid; I mean she is only 4.5. 

But beyond that, Uncle and SIL want little to do with her.  They prefer to hang out with Lil Man; after all, he is still a cute “baby” tantrums and all (which now include severe head-banging).  Lil Miss is just me in a small body.

I have taught her she has control over herself and her body.  I have suck out doctors that allow her to make decisions during exams (like telling them she doesn’t want to take off her pants),  I have worked to allow her to feel free to tell an adult “no” when appropriate (some things are non-negotiable, others are very negotiable).

But, to Uncle and SIL it just looks like she is spoiled; and often hubby and I argue over it.  She is strong and I refuse to parent that out of her.  She now accepts when I tell her she can’t have something from the store (she may ask me for 8 MILLION things but she accepts no every time, without a fit).

I refuse to teach her she can’t come to me and tell me her wants and needs; I might not always be able to give her what she wants when she wants it but she can ALWAYS tell me anything. 

In the end life has been hell, turned upside down, and I still have no idea how I am making it through or what I am going to do from here.  Because what I thought my plans were aren’t too promising as of today; which makes me sadder than anyone could ever get. 

I wish I could say I would be back, more often and more consistently; but I just can’t.  I barely make it through one day without bawling, so yea writing it out would probably be good, but most days I am to fuming to make coherent posts. 

I hope to be back, to be more consistent in posting, and to be better at handling things but none of those things are things I can say for certain are going to occur, unfortunately.

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Avoidance

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Avoidance, man am I good at it (just ask the Hubby), I have been avoiding dealing with anything for too long.

I have been avoiding planning a move, or lack there of, for months.  First, bring it up in conversation just causes a conversation that goes in circles.  Numerous, small diameter circles; I hate it.

I have been avoiding  figuring out the future; because for the first time the future scares the crap out of me.  I mean really, I’m a college student, I’m 24 but I’m a mommy with everything I am.  I stand firm in my decisions as a mom, but I still have so much I want, feel like I have, to do.

I want my PhD (or PsyD), I want to take the time and get my degree, become a licensed psychologist, to do counseling, so much.  But when I look at it I have to choose; I have to choose because it’s 5-7 years of my family’s life.

Do I apply and attend (if accepted) the school of my dreams, the school that is line with my practitioner goals at the sacrifice of a familial support system for us?  What happens if Lil Man needs more therapies then I can juggle, what if his behaviors get worse?  I mean we have already seen a significant regression in behaviors with me returning to work.

Do I apply and attend a school I am nearly sure I will be accepted at, a master’s program not a doctoral program, where we will have friends and family?  Then I know I have the support if we need more assistance with Lil Man, but the school isn’t in perfect line with my practitioner goals and theories.

Or, do we stay here; I work at a place that has little regard for their employees, when Lil Man is showing regression.  I have been here for 30 days, Lil Man has returned to poo smearing, melt downs have increased, and hitting/head banging have become terrible.  Here where we have little to no help, where I wouldn’t be able to get into school, but we’re “safe.”

For the first time in my life, I am scared of the future.  I am scared of making the wrong decision, I am scared of what time will do to Lil Man, I am scared to death what Lil Miss is going to have to deal with over this time. Can my family handle me being in school for another 5-7 years? Should I be done?  Am I just being selfish insisting I need to continue, I can get a good job in my field with a BA just wouldn’t be doing therapy.

All I have done, anytime I am alone recently I am bawling over where we are now and where we might be in the future; how Lil Man’s behavior has regressed and wondering how I will handle it in the future.  What if none of the things we are doing now help?  Of course, I will still love him fully but how can I manage his behaviors in 3, 5, 10 years down the line?

Tuesday Morning Thoughts

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Well yesterday was a bit of a tough day, I finished some final papers for school at Starbucks.  (Have your tried to write research papers with a 4 year old and a 2 year old? Don’t.  Just trust me on this)

Following the time at Starbucks I went to the hospital to pick up a copy of an OT report for Lil Man so that we can {hopefully} get him into a Birth-Three program.  I was reading through the report, like I always do, and first thing that caught my eye was that Lil Man supposedly has a 10 year old brother.

Where this brother came from or who he belongs to? Not a freaking clue 😀

Anyways, put report away stopped at the store; before running in on finished flipping through it–Lil Man based on the DYAC is at 7 MONTHS development!  Ok I obviously knew he wasn’t up to par, and I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.

So yea, I don’t think we will have a problem getting into Birth-Three at all considering he is 2 years 8 months. (Holy crap he is more than 2 years behind.)

Well then, after that I had the wonderful privilege of talking to a dear friend in FL, who is always an awesome support system for me and hubby.

And I went through this whole, holy shit how are we going to move.  I have to insurance in place to get him his needs, yada yada yada.

Her response to my panic/crisis: “On the bright side, I don’t foresee a wine shortage or prohibition in the future.” And this is why I love her.

We also talked about Lil Miss, which I don’t do often here it seems (purely because Lil Man is so dominant in our lives right now, ya know)

Lil Miss has a tendency to try and “help” with Lil Man–even when he is melting down or obviously upset, and after being told not to.  So, we have started telling her only mommies and daddies can help Lil Man when he is sad or angry.

Yesterday, while outside playing with a squirt gun thingy she stops, looks at me, and says “I wanna be a mommy, too.”  So of course I asked her why.

Her response? “So I can help make your baby [what she calls Lil Man lately] all better”  And cue my heart melting and water works.

No matter how often she drives me insane I know she is such a sweet, kind, and compassionate little kid.  And the majority of the things she does she is doing because she thinks it helps.  She is also loving and protective of Lil Man (they’re only 18 months apart) and that has always amazed me.

My friend in FL reminded me that these two are just lucky to have each other.  And they are, everyday they are blessed to have one another as siblings.

Special Needs Ryan Gosling

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Oh my it’s been a long week and we really haven’t done anything. I hate these kind of weeks, because we were just recovering from Lil Man sleeping all day Friday thanks to the procedures but I literally have gotten NOTHING done.  So I have a back log of chores and errands. 😦

Lil Man even missed all his therapy appointments this week because we just couldn’t get awake enough to attempt them.

Sleep-deprivation has been a combo of his schedule now being screwed up from sleeping all day last Friday and the lack of his blanket; while I understand it was an accident and accidents happen I am furious.  Everything was done to make this procedure appointment successful and then they lose a blanket.

This blanket mind you isn’t a small baby blanket, this is a stadium blanket that my husband’s football buddies (at 6’4″ and 300+ pounds) can be under and not look dumb. And why I know this is irrelevant* 😉

So without further delay, here are my Special Needs Ryan Gosling this week (and, boy do I wish he were at the hospital to make waves last week)

(I am positive the germs are too scared to get close to you and if not that jacket will keep the germs out.)

(I bet you will Ryan 😉 )

That’s all I have this week (late even) as I have to now go off and do intern hours on the DV crisis line.  ::fingers crossed:: I don’t fall asleep between calls.

Special Needs Ryan Gosling (I’m BACK)

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EEG/EKG Updates at bottom 😀

This week has been CRAZY; well ok our house is normally crazy but it was over the top this week.

My birthday was Monday, I went to do intern hours, and had a phone interview with Social Security to discuss getting SSI for Lil Man.  Then Tuesday was Lil Man’s pre-anesthesia appointments, for his procedure tomorrow; Wednesday was an all day work day for me and received a call that my interview for next week wanted to reschedule for today. (yea, a day’s notice) So obviously today was the interview (more on that in a minute) but we also had speech this morning and snuck into OT (just a cancellation, no long term yet).

So this interview, it was great! It was in Belltown (near Pike Place Market) and is an overnight shelter for homeless women, I should know something within 10 days.

But, the best part was after parking (ugh, I hate those prices) got out and paid, on my way back to put the ticket in the window I got hit on.

A homeless guy comes up tells me I have “great legs” (thank you soccer and Tae Kwon Do) and asks if I’m single. I was ok and even flattered with that, then he asked if I had socks in my car for him and he wanted to see in the van at this point I got a little weirded out thanked him and headed off to my interview across the street.

Lil Man has been doing great, we have been sleeping from 9:30-10ish until about 9 in the morning, OMG that feels good.

Speech today went wonderful, his therapist is completely on board and willing to talk to the other SLP/behavioral specialist so we are moving ahead with her and getting materials to create a picture book and implementing it and continue to work with words.

We also got to see Melissa the OT who did his evaluation since another client canceled for today only.  We worked on playing in shaving cream (he doesn’t like his hands messy, and only plays in the tub like a pool doesn’t like hand-washing/towels, etc), feeding a puppet dog (interactive play) and he was doing great with this. He started out opening the dog’s “mouth” and then he started putting in the puppy’s “paw” (like we do with cookies, etc) and watching puppy feed himself.

It has been a great week and Lil Man (although we had a few complete meltdowns) has been a wonderfully happy boy, flapping and jumping even giggling.

But tomorrow he goes in for a sedated EEG/EKG and because we don’t have a baby-sitter I have to go by myself and hubby & Lil Miss will be staying home.  So I am bit nervous and worked up, hopefully I can stay calm enough that I can get some homework done while he’s under.  (Or, I’ll just take Ryan’s advice and lay my head right here in his lap 😉 )

 

And now, on to why you all came here Special Needs Ryan Gosling. (Thank you Sunday for hosting!)

(Ryan is such a gentleman)

(Oh man, am I blushing.)

Go over, link up with Sunday, and check out all the other fantastic Special Needs Ryan Gosling posts!

UPDATES:

11:26am

Thank you all for the well wishes about the EEG. I am so thankful to be here at Seattle Children’s instead of OHSU like last time.

The anesthesiologist is AMAZING, Lil Man’s team was communicating by e-mail, literally, all week to make this as successful and non-traumatic as possible for all of us.

So the anesthesiologist had Cars (Lil Man’s kryptonite) on cue, let him watch it the whole time (Lil Man even let Dr. Long [anesthesiologist] carry him from the pre-procedure room to the procedure room!), and then Dr. Long slipped the mask on to his face while he happily watched the movie. I was there the whole time and even helped get him laid down (he was snuggled in Dr. Long’s nap with the mask on to go to sleep :D) there wasn’t a single sniffle, hiccup, or scream.

Compared to last time I would fly from anywhere to have this team for Lil Man, they are with a doubt amazing and sensitive to his needs. Typically kids can only have 1 item [blanket, paci, whatever], Lil Man was allowed to keep his blanket, McQueen,and a paci.  They worked hard to make this successful.

I will see in about an hour how recovery is going (the procedures runs until 12:30ish) but I am sure they will do just fine with him and this trip will not scar Lil Man like the last surgery/procedure trip.

2:30pm —

It all went well for the most part, I got paged right at 12:30 pm to come back and see him in recovery.  As soon as they opened the doors to the procedure center I heard him screaming (that’s normal for him when he wakes up at anytime), we got his IV out and all the electrode leads off, and got him dressed in his spiderman ‘jamas.

That’s when I realized his blanket was gone, an orderly put it in with the hospital linen and it had already been picked up and taken away.  They are contacting the linen group telling them it is there and if they see it to send it back and they will get it to us.  But, I doubt anyone will find it, and that means we have had to implement Operation:Blanket Replacement.

I have several field operatives in Central FL (it was a blanket from hubby’s high school) looking for it, and they are under strict orders to capture the first one they see and have it transported to us (on our dime of course) to try and maintain some sense of normalcy for him, as that was his favorite blanket and he used it everynight to go to bed.

Crossing my fingers we can find a good replacement and until it can get here his attitude won’t be to bad and that he will be able to sleep without for a bit. :-/

I Am Such a Bad Blogger

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Holy crap it has been nearly a month (I have been without a computer for a while).  I am sorry, and plan on getting back into the swing things as so much has happened lately.  It might be one more week before a real post as I have some research papers and proposals due in the next 2 weeks (end of spring session).  Bare with me, I PROMISE I’ll be back.

Post-Holiday

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Holidays (Christmas especially) went far better than anticipated.  Although a few tantrums occurred it wasn’t overwhelming for Hubby and I to handle.

Today we went back to the Autism Clinic for an “Official” diagnosis.  (Because the state is ridiculous.) And saw Dr. Stobbe, he was very nice and answered a few questions I had lingering from last month’s appointment with Therese.

He has further referred Del to have an EEG (sooner than Therese thought was needed, but then again he is a neurologist so no one is arguing) and a Cardiologist due to his Breath-Holding Spells.

We have appointments for the Dermatologist (Monday) and the Audiologist (a week from Wednesday); I will be picking up the speech therapy report tomorrow to see where we need to go from there.  Also on Monday we will go and get the genetic blood testing done (since it as the hospital too).

Beyond, Lil Man; Lil Miss is doing well, still fighting potty training but I am changing tactics (she seems to want to use the adult potty vs the potty chair), and we will see how that goes.

Hubby is still working and (mostly) enjoying it.

I start my internship tomorrow, and classes start Monday 🙂 I am really excited for the Psychology of Religion class starting Monday.

That is about all for now, and I will post more as I have it (now that the computer is back up :D)

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