Avoidance, man am I good at it (just ask the Hubby), I have been avoiding dealing with anything for too long.
I have been avoiding planning a move, or lack there of, for months. First, bring it up in conversation just causes a conversation that goes in circles. Numerous, small diameter circles; I hate it.
I have been avoiding figuring out the future; because for the first time the future scares the crap out of me. I mean really, I’m a college student, I’m 24 but I’m a mommy with everything I am. I stand firm in my decisions as a mom, but I still have so much I want, feel like I have, to do.
I want my PhD (or PsyD), I want to take the time and get my degree, become a licensed psychologist, to do counseling, so much. But when I look at it I have to choose; I have to choose because it’s 5-7 years of my family’s life.
Do I apply and attend (if accepted) the school of my dreams, the school that is line with my practitioner goals at the sacrifice of a familial support system for us? What happens if Lil Man needs more therapies then I can juggle, what if his behaviors get worse? I mean we have already seen a significant regression in behaviors with me returning to work.
Do I apply and attend a school I am nearly sure I will be accepted at, a master’s program not a doctoral program, where we will have friends and family? Then I know I have the support if we need more assistance with Lil Man, but the school isn’t in perfect line with my practitioner goals and theories.
Or, do we stay here; I work at a place that has little regard for their employees, when Lil Man is showing regression. I have been here for 30 days, Lil Man has returned to poo smearing, melt downs have increased, and hitting/head banging have become terrible. Here where we have little to no help, where I wouldn’t be able to get into school, but we’re “safe.”
For the first time in my life, I am scared of the future. I am scared of making the wrong decision, I am scared of what time will do to Lil Man, I am scared to death what Lil Miss is going to have to deal with over this time. Can my family handle me being in school for another 5-7 years? Should I be done? Am I just being selfish insisting I need to continue, I can get a good job in my field with a BA just wouldn’t be doing therapy.
All I have done, anytime I am alone recently I am bawling over where we are now and where we might be in the future; how Lil Man’s behavior has regressed and wondering how I will handle it in the future. What if none of the things we are doing now help? Of course, I will still love him fully but how can I manage his behaviors in 3, 5, 10 years down the line?