Tag Archives: blog update

Avoidance

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Avoidance, man am I good at it (just ask the Hubby), I have been avoiding dealing with anything for too long.

I have been avoiding planning a move, or lack there of, for months.  First, bring it up in conversation just causes a conversation that goes in circles.  Numerous, small diameter circles; I hate it.

I have been avoiding  figuring out the future; because for the first time the future scares the crap out of me.  I mean really, I’m a college student, I’m 24 but I’m a mommy with everything I am.  I stand firm in my decisions as a mom, but I still have so much I want, feel like I have, to do.

I want my PhD (or PsyD), I want to take the time and get my degree, become a licensed psychologist, to do counseling, so much.  But when I look at it I have to choose; I have to choose because it’s 5-7 years of my family’s life.

Do I apply and attend (if accepted) the school of my dreams, the school that is line with my practitioner goals at the sacrifice of a familial support system for us?  What happens if Lil Man needs more therapies then I can juggle, what if his behaviors get worse?  I mean we have already seen a significant regression in behaviors with me returning to work.

Do I apply and attend a school I am nearly sure I will be accepted at, a master’s program not a doctoral program, where we will have friends and family?  Then I know I have the support if we need more assistance with Lil Man, but the school isn’t in perfect line with my practitioner goals and theories.

Or, do we stay here; I work at a place that has little regard for their employees, when Lil Man is showing regression.  I have been here for 30 days, Lil Man has returned to poo smearing, melt downs have increased, and hitting/head banging have become terrible.  Here where we have little to no help, where I wouldn’t be able to get into school, but we’re “safe.”

For the first time in my life, I am scared of the future.  I am scared of making the wrong decision, I am scared of what time will do to Lil Man, I am scared to death what Lil Miss is going to have to deal with over this time. Can my family handle me being in school for another 5-7 years? Should I be done?  Am I just being selfish insisting I need to continue, I can get a good job in my field with a BA just wouldn’t be doing therapy.

All I have done, anytime I am alone recently I am bawling over where we are now and where we might be in the future; how Lil Man’s behavior has regressed and wondering how I will handle it in the future.  What if none of the things we are doing now help?  Of course, I will still love him fully but how can I manage his behaviors in 3, 5, 10 years down the line?

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Tuesday Morning Thoughts

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Well yesterday was a bit of a tough day, I finished some final papers for school at Starbucks.  (Have your tried to write research papers with a 4 year old and a 2 year old? Don’t.  Just trust me on this)

Following the time at Starbucks I went to the hospital to pick up a copy of an OT report for Lil Man so that we can {hopefully} get him into a Birth-Three program.  I was reading through the report, like I always do, and first thing that caught my eye was that Lil Man supposedly has a 10 year old brother.

Where this brother came from or who he belongs to? Not a freaking clue 😀

Anyways, put report away stopped at the store; before running in on finished flipping through it–Lil Man based on the DYAC is at 7 MONTHS development!  Ok I obviously knew he wasn’t up to par, and I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.

So yea, I don’t think we will have a problem getting into Birth-Three at all considering he is 2 years 8 months. (Holy crap he is more than 2 years behind.)

Well then, after that I had the wonderful privilege of talking to a dear friend in FL, who is always an awesome support system for me and hubby.

And I went through this whole, holy shit how are we going to move.  I have to insurance in place to get him his needs, yada yada yada.

Her response to my panic/crisis: “On the bright side, I don’t foresee a wine shortage or prohibition in the future.” And this is why I love her.

We also talked about Lil Miss, which I don’t do often here it seems (purely because Lil Man is so dominant in our lives right now, ya know)

Lil Miss has a tendency to try and “help” with Lil Man–even when he is melting down or obviously upset, and after being told not to.  So, we have started telling her only mommies and daddies can help Lil Man when he is sad or angry.

Yesterday, while outside playing with a squirt gun thingy she stops, looks at me, and says “I wanna be a mommy, too.”  So of course I asked her why.

Her response? “So I can help make your baby [what she calls Lil Man lately] all better”  And cue my heart melting and water works.

No matter how often she drives me insane I know she is such a sweet, kind, and compassionate little kid.  And the majority of the things she does she is doing because she thinks it helps.  She is also loving and protective of Lil Man (they’re only 18 months apart) and that has always amazed me.

My friend in FL reminded me that these two are just lucky to have each other.  And they are, everyday they are blessed to have one another as siblings.

I Am Such a Bad Blogger

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Holy crap it has been nearly a month (I have been without a computer for a while).  I am sorry, and plan on getting back into the swing things as so much has happened lately.  It might be one more week before a real post as I have some research papers and proposals due in the next 2 weeks (end of spring session).  Bare with me, I PROMISE I’ll be back.

Split (Blog) Personality

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With all that is going on right now, I have decided to have split blogs.  Due to the nature of both major subjects in my life right now, incest/rape and Autism I feel it’s best.  I will use this blog to update and thrash out my emotional state of Lil’ Man’s new diagnosis of Autism and family life.

I have registered, and will work on moving all incest posts, to The Face of Incest.

In my life these to subjects are colliding, but I don’t find it conducive to keep them together on the internet.  Autism readers most likely don’t want to read my flashbacks and rants of incest and rape.  And that is their right, I am just trying to make it easier and more family friendly here.

The Face of Incest will be my no bars held, uncensored blog for my life as an incest survivor.

I appreciate all of your support, and have thought about this prior to taking Lil’ Man for his evaluation.  This seems to be the most logical way to do this.
Again thank you all for you’re support. School is almost out for winter break and then I will be having sometime away from home so I will be updating more often.  Thanks for sticking around.

Under Construction

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Just an FYI the blog is going to be getting a few things added. But being a mommy I may have to stop in the middle, just bare with me.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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