Tag Archives: special needs

I can’t even think of a title…

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Well, it has been too damn long; not sure how long as I haven’t checked the date of my last post, but I just know it’s too long.

The past while has been a bit hellacious; dealing with school, idiot family members we live with, special needs parenting, and the parenting of my mini-me.

To start school; dude, I am 18 weeks away from having my degree and I am unconcievebly thrilled I am this close to being done with my bachelor’s.  Yet at this point when I should be so excited and feel so close to all my hopes and dreams (including, having a graduate degree by the time I am 30–which I am right on track for) is when I feel the furthest away.

This segways nicely into the idiots we currently live with.  My husband’s Uncle chose to quit his job and do car tint (a job he has never done nor knew how to do) free-lance. 

This means he had to buy all the equipment and supplies to tint without guarantee of jobs.  Yea, genius.  My sister-in-law moved up on the 4th of July; supposedly was going to make my life easier, help with the kids so I could sleep after work (YAY graves) and get homework done.

Yea, not happening.  I had exactly 2 conditions to her living with us without concern of her paying us anything.  Help with the kids (ya know, actually help) and be enrolled in school.  The first being a constant battle, the second she hasn’t even applied to school yet, so yea.

These two on their own would drive me insane; together I feel like I am in a constant state of WTF? moments.  My husband and his uncle decided we should move (which I supported), the move took us 30 minutes south of our current jobs (mine and hubby’s) and reduced our bathroom count to 1 instead of 2. 

So quick re-cap; uncle “self-employed,” sister-in-law suppose to be secondary care-taker to kids, 30 minutes from work (instead of 5), me working full-time plus school, 6 adults and 2 kids living in a 4 bedroom house with ONE bathroom.

So now that we live in this house, in the same town as my abuser and father live (yea, we are on a fuckin’ role), I have to leave for work prior to hubby getting home. Thus, SIL really needs to be helping with kids which is in no way occurring without pulling teeth.

Nearly a week ago I am leaving for work at 10pm, like normal, knock on SIL’s bedroom door and tell her Lil Miss is still awake is on the couch playing computer games (she was getting a break because she had done really well since Lil Man had been melting down for about 2hours before I had to leave). 

I make it out the door, almost to the truck before I hear Lil Miss just screaming and crying (she missed daddy and I was leaving after all).  I waited a moment thinking “SIL will get her,” she’s still crying; so I go back inside.  SIL had never even opened her damn bedroom door to tell Lil Miss to come lay on her bed; which is all she would have had to do.

Literally my SIL didn’t get up, walk less then 10 feet to console her niece! Furious does not begin to describe my emotion.

Oh and prior to moving into this house (literally 2 days before moving) the Uncle and SIL had done a yard sale, took part of that money and bought fucking concert tickets to Iron Maiden.  Yep, you read that right no need to re-read it, promise.

Through this all Hubby and I have had to pay all the bills, and Uncle and SIL still have the audacity to be annoyed and pissy about shit. 

Now, because of having to pay all the pills, the finances aren’t in place for me to be able to take my GRE (a $200 test) and apply to grad schools (do you know how much application fees are?! OMG!).  So, if I am lucky I can start in 2014; that is if the finances work out by then.

Ok, to the kids; Lil Man is officially 3 (birthday was on Saturday).  This birthday had to be the most difficult for us so far; when his sister turned 3 she got a bike and was able to really enjoy her birthday. 

He still doesn’t have the balance or coordination to ride a bike, and most of the ride on toys or trikes are only up to 40lbs (which he almost weighs now).  He couldn’t care less about birthdays; presents are too over stimulating so we don’t wrap them, just keep them hidden until after cake and give them to him.

Lil Miss is so much like me. She tries her best to interact with Lil Man and make sure he stays out of trouble. She also spends a lot of her time interpreting for Del.  I love her and that she is so helpful, but I also know she has to just be a kid; I mean she is only 4.5. 

But beyond that, Uncle and SIL want little to do with her.  They prefer to hang out with Lil Man; after all, he is still a cute “baby” tantrums and all (which now include severe head-banging).  Lil Miss is just me in a small body.

I have taught her she has control over herself and her body.  I have suck out doctors that allow her to make decisions during exams (like telling them she doesn’t want to take off her pants),  I have worked to allow her to feel free to tell an adult “no” when appropriate (some things are non-negotiable, others are very negotiable).

But, to Uncle and SIL it just looks like she is spoiled; and often hubby and I argue over it.  She is strong and I refuse to parent that out of her.  She now accepts when I tell her she can’t have something from the store (she may ask me for 8 MILLION things but she accepts no every time, without a fit).

I refuse to teach her she can’t come to me and tell me her wants and needs; I might not always be able to give her what she wants when she wants it but she can ALWAYS tell me anything. 

In the end life has been hell, turned upside down, and I still have no idea how I am making it through or what I am going to do from here.  Because what I thought my plans were aren’t too promising as of today; which makes me sadder than anyone could ever get. 

I wish I could say I would be back, more often and more consistently; but I just can’t.  I barely make it through one day without bawling, so yea writing it out would probably be good, but most days I am to fuming to make coherent posts. 

I hope to be back, to be more consistent in posting, and to be better at handling things but none of those things are things I can say for certain are going to occur, unfortunately.

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Avoidance

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Avoidance, man am I good at it (just ask the Hubby), I have been avoiding dealing with anything for too long.

I have been avoiding planning a move, or lack there of, for months.  First, bring it up in conversation just causes a conversation that goes in circles.  Numerous, small diameter circles; I hate it.

I have been avoiding  figuring out the future; because for the first time the future scares the crap out of me.  I mean really, I’m a college student, I’m 24 but I’m a mommy with everything I am.  I stand firm in my decisions as a mom, but I still have so much I want, feel like I have, to do.

I want my PhD (or PsyD), I want to take the time and get my degree, become a licensed psychologist, to do counseling, so much.  But when I look at it I have to choose; I have to choose because it’s 5-7 years of my family’s life.

Do I apply and attend (if accepted) the school of my dreams, the school that is line with my practitioner goals at the sacrifice of a familial support system for us?  What happens if Lil Man needs more therapies then I can juggle, what if his behaviors get worse?  I mean we have already seen a significant regression in behaviors with me returning to work.

Do I apply and attend a school I am nearly sure I will be accepted at, a master’s program not a doctoral program, where we will have friends and family?  Then I know I have the support if we need more assistance with Lil Man, but the school isn’t in perfect line with my practitioner goals and theories.

Or, do we stay here; I work at a place that has little regard for their employees, when Lil Man is showing regression.  I have been here for 30 days, Lil Man has returned to poo smearing, melt downs have increased, and hitting/head banging have become terrible.  Here where we have little to no help, where I wouldn’t be able to get into school, but we’re “safe.”

For the first time in my life, I am scared of the future.  I am scared of making the wrong decision, I am scared of what time will do to Lil Man, I am scared to death what Lil Miss is going to have to deal with over this time. Can my family handle me being in school for another 5-7 years? Should I be done?  Am I just being selfish insisting I need to continue, I can get a good job in my field with a BA just wouldn’t be doing therapy.

All I have done, anytime I am alone recently I am bawling over where we are now and where we might be in the future; how Lil Man’s behavior has regressed and wondering how I will handle it in the future.  What if none of the things we are doing now help?  Of course, I will still love him fully but how can I manage his behaviors in 3, 5, 10 years down the line?

Special Needs Ryan

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Well it’s been a few weeks.  I have had a shitty past few weeks, I’ll work on updating soon.  But for now just some Ryan.

Go to Sunday‘s place and check out the rest of the ladies (and Tom) who are linked up for their take on this weeks Ryan picture.

A sweet, sweet break

#SNRyanGosling — MUSIC

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Well this week has been interesting to say the least.

First, on Monday I got the OT report showing Lil Man was at about 7 months development (can you say ouch!).  Then we sent off all that information to apply for the Birth-Three program, which obviously he qualifies for.  Since he receives speech through the hospital we won’t be using them for speech, but he desperately needs OT, so we will start there.

Then I took Lil Miss and got her enrolled in pre-school since we were one of the first to turn the application, so it seems, she should start soon instead of waiting until September.  Which is awesome because she has only been asking to go to school for 2 YEARS! (I think she gets that from me :D)

Also Monday I got confirmation my orthopedic surgeon accepts all my insurance, I go this coming Monday to get a referral to see him.  I will most likely, almost certainly, will be having another surgery; this one will all likelihood will be far more extensive than the first.

We learned Lil Man had one “blip” on his EEG, and the neurologist (who specializes in kids with autism) said something like 45% of kids with autism have that “blip” but not all those actually have seizures.  (Confusing I know) So we will continue to keep an eye on him to see if the staring spells get any worse or anything then go from there.

He also placed a referral to have Del evaluated with for an AAC device, hopefully I will have that appointment made soon.

And finally, today hubby messaged me from work and said that his new manager has asked him to apply for the assistant manager’s positon because she really wants him as her assistant!!!  He will be applying, but still has to jump through all the hoops and hope nobody above her wants someone else in that position (all though they have been through 3 manager teams since he has been there about a year)…but it appears he has pretty dang good shot.

Alright, on to eye candy! This weeks picture is awesome, our family is a music family.  Lil Man loves listening to music (especially Elton John!) as does Lil Miss (her fave? Adele)–I know I am spoiled with kids who like good musical taste, I blame that on hubby and his family they are HUGE music people. 🙂

I do need a hair cut and a new pair of heels...

I don't mind if I do. Instead of waiting for me there, care to join once their asleep? 😉

Go over and check out Sunday’s  blog, link up, and read the other blogs; they are all amazing every week!

Tuesday Morning Thoughts

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Well yesterday was a bit of a tough day, I finished some final papers for school at Starbucks.  (Have your tried to write research papers with a 4 year old and a 2 year old? Don’t.  Just trust me on this)

Following the time at Starbucks I went to the hospital to pick up a copy of an OT report for Lil Man so that we can {hopefully} get him into a Birth-Three program.  I was reading through the report, like I always do, and first thing that caught my eye was that Lil Man supposedly has a 10 year old brother.

Where this brother came from or who he belongs to? Not a freaking clue 😀

Anyways, put report away stopped at the store; before running in on finished flipping through it–Lil Man based on the DYAC is at 7 MONTHS development!  Ok I obviously knew he wasn’t up to par, and I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.

So yea, I don’t think we will have a problem getting into Birth-Three at all considering he is 2 years 8 months. (Holy crap he is more than 2 years behind.)

Well then, after that I had the wonderful privilege of talking to a dear friend in FL, who is always an awesome support system for me and hubby.

And I went through this whole, holy shit how are we going to move.  I have to insurance in place to get him his needs, yada yada yada.

Her response to my panic/crisis: “On the bright side, I don’t foresee a wine shortage or prohibition in the future.” And this is why I love her.

We also talked about Lil Miss, which I don’t do often here it seems (purely because Lil Man is so dominant in our lives right now, ya know)

Lil Miss has a tendency to try and “help” with Lil Man–even when he is melting down or obviously upset, and after being told not to.  So, we have started telling her only mommies and daddies can help Lil Man when he is sad or angry.

Yesterday, while outside playing with a squirt gun thingy she stops, looks at me, and says “I wanna be a mommy, too.”  So of course I asked her why.

Her response? “So I can help make your baby [what she calls Lil Man lately] all better”  And cue my heart melting and water works.

No matter how often she drives me insane I know she is such a sweet, kind, and compassionate little kid.  And the majority of the things she does she is doing because she thinks it helps.  She is also loving and protective of Lil Man (they’re only 18 months apart) and that has always amazed me.

My friend in FL reminded me that these two are just lucky to have each other.  And they are, everyday they are blessed to have one another as siblings.

#SNRyanGosling — Terrible Week Edition

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Well, this week just blowed.  Actually it was much worse than that but I can’t think of  a proper term to use to describe it. :-/

It started out with last Friday after work I took Lil Man to our PCP just to touch base because we hadn’t seen him since November when he referred us for Autism evaluations.

2 weeks before Lil Man had an EEG and I knew the results were to be back in about a week, since I hadn’t received a phone call from anyone I figured everything was ok (yea know, no news is good news?) Boy, was I wrong.

Dr. Herman (our PCP) wanted to know what the plan was for taking care of the results with the EEG, as the report was fairly vague.  I told him I didn’t know as I hadn’t received any notice it was abnormal.

So he read me the report and it says that they saw seizure activity on the EEG, but it could have been the sedation, so Dr. Herman asked if we had seen any seizure activity.  I told him yes, that was why we had the EEG done sedated rather than wait until we thought he could handle it awake.

I then went through the description of what we are seeing, in a nutshell absences seizures; staring of into space (and unable to be “startled) and some flicking of the tongue at the same time.

So Dr. Herman suggested I call and make a sooner appointment with Lil Man’s Autism doctor, which I did immediately following exiting the building.  I learned that his doctor at the Autism center wouldn’t be returning to the office until May 8th (the day of our appointment) and that was why we hadn’t heard anything.

Some how we had fallen through the cracks and no one read the report when it arrived at the center :-/ so we ended up getting an appointment set with a neurologist (we have seen before) for next Thursday and hopefully we will have a clearer direction from there.

(Wow, that was ALOT longer than I thought it would be).  The rest of the week just was crappy, Wednesday I found out to pass my internship I have to take a Major Field Exam.  Which wouldn’t be too bad but I have to take it in person, in Eugene OR and I am currently living in Seattle.

That’s right after 16 weeks of being in the class, and my advisor knowing I was in Seattle, I am told to get credit and pass this class I have to travel for AT LEAST 2 days to take this test.

Because of the time of the test (6pm on a Thursday) it would require me to stay at least that night, and that would mean I would have to leave here at about 6am so I had enough time just in case of traffic since it is about an 8 hour drive down there.  But, unless Jon can go with me I can’t take the van which would mean renting a car or taking the train/flying, but then I would have to leave Wednesday and not head back until Friday making it 3 days. 😦

Oh yea, I have to take the test (and have all the logistics, including child care) figured out this next week since the test is on May 3rd.

And finally yesterday on the way home from work/internship the brake pedal in the van about hit the floor before braking. Which means that I now have to replace the rear brakes (and they’re DRUM, ugh) and do it before we go to Eugene if that’s the route we take.

No worries I have them fixed well enough for around here by bleeding the lines and topping off the master cylinder with brake fluid. I also had to adjust the shoes/parking brake, but they will be ok for a bit until I can get them done.

Alright, now that I have just brain dumped my problems on the page I give you Ryan Gosling (the reason why y’all show up every week).\

Man Ryan planning is the worst.  Thank you.

Oh boy the first quiz I am actually excited about 😉

Aww, thanks Ryan.

Go get ’em Ryan!

 Thanks for stopping by, I love all the comments and the understanding of my rough weeks.  Now go over and check out Sunday’s blog to see her take (they’re hilarious) and the rest of the gang’s posters for this week.

Ultimate Blog Party

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Well, I have decided to make a true effort to blog more and become more active in the blogosphere.  I have found such wonderful friends and support people out here in the interwebz during my various trials and tribulations through life.

Thus, I decided to participate in this, what appears to be, amazing blog party put on by 5 Minutes for Mom.

 Ultimate Blog Party 2012

So, a little bit about me and what my blog is about is what I am supposed to write.

Well, first I am a 23 year old wife to a true Floridian boy and mom to 2 beautiful kids.  My daughter is 4  and is SO much like me it is uncanny, while my son is 2 and recently diagnosed with autism (12/11).  We have also recently learned that he might being have seizures.

I am also a survivor of incest and rape, childhood mental abuse, and an adult child of an alcoholic.  I currently go to school full-time and am 2 semesters away from B.A. in psychology, after which I plan on going to grad school in central FL (where hubby is from) to become a trauma counselor/psychologist.

But, this blog is mostly about my daily life as a mommy and wife.  I spend time venting about how the hospital loses my son’s blanket, my views on various hot topics, I talk about my schooling, and am never afraid to share what {little} I have learned about parenting a special needs child.

My passion is helping others, so while this blog started as away to blow steam off it has quickly became (in about a year) where I put my thoughts on various things and gain feedback/insight and friendship from others.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you stick around, you can learn more about me, my hubby, the kids, and how hubby and I met by clicking on the tabs above.  Please leave any questions/comments in the comments.

I look forward to visiting all your blogs SOON!

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