Tag Archives: tough times

I can’t even think of a title…

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Well, it has been too damn long; not sure how long as I haven’t checked the date of my last post, but I just know it’s too long.

The past while has been a bit hellacious; dealing with school, idiot family members we live with, special needs parenting, and the parenting of my mini-me.

To start school; dude, I am 18 weeks away from having my degree and I am unconcievebly thrilled I am this close to being done with my bachelor’s.  Yet at this point when I should be so excited and feel so close to all my hopes and dreams (including, having a graduate degree by the time I am 30–which I am right on track for) is when I feel the furthest away.

This segways nicely into the idiots we currently live with.  My husband’s Uncle chose to quit his job and do car tint (a job he has never done nor knew how to do) free-lance. 

This means he had to buy all the equipment and supplies to tint without guarantee of jobs.  Yea, genius.  My sister-in-law moved up on the 4th of July; supposedly was going to make my life easier, help with the kids so I could sleep after work (YAY graves) and get homework done.

Yea, not happening.  I had exactly 2 conditions to her living with us without concern of her paying us anything.  Help with the kids (ya know, actually help) and be enrolled in school.  The first being a constant battle, the second she hasn’t even applied to school yet, so yea.

These two on their own would drive me insane; together I feel like I am in a constant state of WTF? moments.  My husband and his uncle decided we should move (which I supported), the move took us 30 minutes south of our current jobs (mine and hubby’s) and reduced our bathroom count to 1 instead of 2. 

So quick re-cap; uncle “self-employed,” sister-in-law suppose to be secondary care-taker to kids, 30 minutes from work (instead of 5), me working full-time plus school, 6 adults and 2 kids living in a 4 bedroom house with ONE bathroom.

So now that we live in this house, in the same town as my abuser and father live (yea, we are on a fuckin’ role), I have to leave for work prior to hubby getting home. Thus, SIL really needs to be helping with kids which is in no way occurring without pulling teeth.

Nearly a week ago I am leaving for work at 10pm, like normal, knock on SIL’s bedroom door and tell her Lil Miss is still awake is on the couch playing computer games (she was getting a break because she had done really well since Lil Man had been melting down for about 2hours before I had to leave). 

I make it out the door, almost to the truck before I hear Lil Miss just screaming and crying (she missed daddy and I was leaving after all).  I waited a moment thinking “SIL will get her,” she’s still crying; so I go back inside.  SIL had never even opened her damn bedroom door to tell Lil Miss to come lay on her bed; which is all she would have had to do.

Literally my SIL didn’t get up, walk less then 10 feet to console her niece! Furious does not begin to describe my emotion.

Oh and prior to moving into this house (literally 2 days before moving) the Uncle and SIL had done a yard sale, took part of that money and bought fucking concert tickets to Iron Maiden.  Yep, you read that right no need to re-read it, promise.

Through this all Hubby and I have had to pay all the bills, and Uncle and SIL still have the audacity to be annoyed and pissy about shit. 

Now, because of having to pay all the pills, the finances aren’t in place for me to be able to take my GRE (a $200 test) and apply to grad schools (do you know how much application fees are?! OMG!).  So, if I am lucky I can start in 2014; that is if the finances work out by then.

Ok, to the kids; Lil Man is officially 3 (birthday was on Saturday).  This birthday had to be the most difficult for us so far; when his sister turned 3 she got a bike and was able to really enjoy her birthday. 

He still doesn’t have the balance or coordination to ride a bike, and most of the ride on toys or trikes are only up to 40lbs (which he almost weighs now).  He couldn’t care less about birthdays; presents are too over stimulating so we don’t wrap them, just keep them hidden until after cake and give them to him.

Lil Miss is so much like me. She tries her best to interact with Lil Man and make sure he stays out of trouble. She also spends a lot of her time interpreting for Del.  I love her and that she is so helpful, but I also know she has to just be a kid; I mean she is only 4.5. 

But beyond that, Uncle and SIL want little to do with her.  They prefer to hang out with Lil Man; after all, he is still a cute “baby” tantrums and all (which now include severe head-banging).  Lil Miss is just me in a small body.

I have taught her she has control over herself and her body.  I have suck out doctors that allow her to make decisions during exams (like telling them she doesn’t want to take off her pants),  I have worked to allow her to feel free to tell an adult “no” when appropriate (some things are non-negotiable, others are very negotiable).

But, to Uncle and SIL it just looks like she is spoiled; and often hubby and I argue over it.  She is strong and I refuse to parent that out of her.  She now accepts when I tell her she can’t have something from the store (she may ask me for 8 MILLION things but she accepts no every time, without a fit).

I refuse to teach her she can’t come to me and tell me her wants and needs; I might not always be able to give her what she wants when she wants it but she can ALWAYS tell me anything. 

In the end life has been hell, turned upside down, and I still have no idea how I am making it through or what I am going to do from here.  Because what I thought my plans were aren’t too promising as of today; which makes me sadder than anyone could ever get. 

I wish I could say I would be back, more often and more consistently; but I just can’t.  I barely make it through one day without bawling, so yea writing it out would probably be good, but most days I am to fuming to make coherent posts. 

I hope to be back, to be more consistent in posting, and to be better at handling things but none of those things are things I can say for certain are going to occur, unfortunately.

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Avoidance

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Avoidance, man am I good at it (just ask the Hubby), I have been avoiding dealing with anything for too long.

I have been avoiding planning a move, or lack there of, for months.  First, bring it up in conversation just causes a conversation that goes in circles.  Numerous, small diameter circles; I hate it.

I have been avoiding  figuring out the future; because for the first time the future scares the crap out of me.  I mean really, I’m a college student, I’m 24 but I’m a mommy with everything I am.  I stand firm in my decisions as a mom, but I still have so much I want, feel like I have, to do.

I want my PhD (or PsyD), I want to take the time and get my degree, become a licensed psychologist, to do counseling, so much.  But when I look at it I have to choose; I have to choose because it’s 5-7 years of my family’s life.

Do I apply and attend (if accepted) the school of my dreams, the school that is line with my practitioner goals at the sacrifice of a familial support system for us?  What happens if Lil Man needs more therapies then I can juggle, what if his behaviors get worse?  I mean we have already seen a significant regression in behaviors with me returning to work.

Do I apply and attend a school I am nearly sure I will be accepted at, a master’s program not a doctoral program, where we will have friends and family?  Then I know I have the support if we need more assistance with Lil Man, but the school isn’t in perfect line with my practitioner goals and theories.

Or, do we stay here; I work at a place that has little regard for their employees, when Lil Man is showing regression.  I have been here for 30 days, Lil Man has returned to poo smearing, melt downs have increased, and hitting/head banging have become terrible.  Here where we have little to no help, where I wouldn’t be able to get into school, but we’re “safe.”

For the first time in my life, I am scared of the future.  I am scared of making the wrong decision, I am scared of what time will do to Lil Man, I am scared to death what Lil Miss is going to have to deal with over this time. Can my family handle me being in school for another 5-7 years? Should I be done?  Am I just being selfish insisting I need to continue, I can get a good job in my field with a BA just wouldn’t be doing therapy.

All I have done, anytime I am alone recently I am bawling over where we are now and where we might be in the future; how Lil Man’s behavior has regressed and wondering how I will handle it in the future.  What if none of the things we are doing now help?  Of course, I will still love him fully but how can I manage his behaviors in 3, 5, 10 years down the line?

Special Needs Ryan

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Well it’s been a few weeks.  I have had a shitty past few weeks, I’ll work on updating soon.  But for now just some Ryan.

Go to Sunday‘s place and check out the rest of the ladies (and Tom) who are linked up for their take on this weeks Ryan picture.

A sweet, sweet break

Diagnosis

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We received a diagnosis for Lil Man yesterday, it is Autism.  We are now beginning the process to gain services for him; I already have speech therapy scheduled. We also need to go to see a dermatolgist (has really bad eczema), an audiologist, and neurodevelopmental pediatrician.

And possibly some more, I can’t remember.

But, me being Type A have been getting this researched, scheduled, etc as soon as we got the diagnosis yesterday about 2pm.

Alright, as it is 3am and I have homework to do first thing tomorrow I am going to head to bed.  Again, thank you for all the support.

Takin a Side Road

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I will start by saying, Grandpa is at home currently having dialysis 3x a week.  He has told hubby, he’s doing better and holding out to see us come back home.  But, who knows.  Mom has to have a full hysterectomy, and they will biopsy other areas to verify it didn’t spread. If it did radiation or chemo will be in order.  But, that is all the updates for now.  I will try to add more updates in general soon.

But, today a side road so to speak. Something that is near and dear to my heart, but speak little of in the internet realm. Instead I cling to it in real life visiting with my family and friends.

My law enforcement family, the ones who got me through so much without even knowing it.  My first event as a police explorer was the funeral of an amazing man Deputy Herzog, this man was killed by his own gun protecting others, I went through numerous other deaths and funerals.

Officer Maher, Federal Way PD killed by gunfire at a call he offered to take last minute–instead of heading straight home after his shift, and Officer Lone, Seattle PD killed by drowning after falling into the water trying to secure a tug boat are two the that stick out in my mind.  But every time another was killed, through out the nation, I mourned, I felt stabbed in the heart.  One of my brother’s was gone.

But, the most profound impact occurred after I had left the explorer program, after I had a family of my own.  Sgt. Mark Renninger, in November 2009, shortly after Thanksgiving, he and four other officers were ambushed in a coffee shop.  They were sitting there discussing their shift, what they were going to do during it that day, when a man walked in and opened fire on them.  Killed all 4, fire was returned and one officer (which one is not publicly known) hit him once in the stomach.

I heard that 4 officers had been shot in Lakewood, WA (not far from where I was an explorer at Tukwila PD and King County SO).  I was heartbroken as usual, scoured to find names, they had yet to be released.  Then I get a message on Facebook, from a close friend, one that I was an explorer with.  He told me to call him ASAP, he couldn’t tell me but over the phone. (We were living 8 hrs away, or I am sure he would have been knocking down my door).

I dropped everything, told hubby I had to go make a call.  Tim told me it was Renninger, a man I knew and worked next to on ride-a-longs. A man, whom I had met his wife and older kids. A man, that had stood next to me gun drawn, performing a felony stop–I was only 15 sandwiched between two officers who never missed a beat.  A man, that was much closer to home than just that thin-blue line.

I broke down and lost it, my husband thought it was a family member.  Which it was–but not in the sense he was thinking–I am not sure my husband has ever seen me so distraught and incoherent as I was then.  The following days were just numb and empty, scaring him more I am sure.

To this day, I find my mind wandering occasionally to him, and then to the other officers I gave a final salute to, and listened as their final call was given.  To this day, when I think of him, I think of how much I wanna be out there.  How much I wanna fight the good fight, and how scared I am to leave my family behind.  As they all were.

It’s days like today that that happens, it’s days like today that I wanna call hubby, and tell him to get home so I can go work out.  Finish getting back in shape, so I can be out there fighting with men like Sgt. Renninger.  So I can feel that family again, I can feel the warmth and strength of that thin-blue line.

Sgt. Renninger, you are gone but not forgotten.  We all still miss you, and you still touch our hearts and lives more than you will ever know. Thank you.

Down The Rabbit Hole I Go

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“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything.  Love still stands when all else has fallen” -Unknown

 

I try my best not to worry when things get rough, I know that they always work out.  Hubby and I have been together for more than 5 years now, and through every trial and tribulation we have ever faced we have overcome TOGETHER; and ended up being stronger because of that.  But none the less when it comes to the roof over our head and the money in our bank account I get sick to my stomach quick and easy.

My mom just texted me (very “sternly” I might add) that her landlords were both undergoing chemo and had to sell the home, the new owners had a 48 hour clause of anyone else in the home in the new rental contract, they have to July to decided to stay or move.   She believes they will move, and if they do they are looking about an hour, in either direction, of where they currently are.  Meaning the original plan of me going back to Oregon to work in August isn’t gonna happen as planned, if at all, because I was going to stay with them until I had school money and move Jon and the kiddies to our own place.  And, just the other day I was told that the landlord of Jon’s uncle’s house hasn’t paid his mortgage in nearly a year…I mean I knew we were told not to worry about rent, but I didn’t know that was why.

Thankfully, Jon found a job at Fred Meyer, that he seems to be enjoying, for now.  I have school, but I have no idea what to do from here.  I hate moving to start with (I lived in 3 homes the entire time I was growing up), and then to throw in I have no idea when, where, or how we will be moving scares me shitless.  The only thing getting me through is knowing we just have to make it through another year, plus a few months. Then I will be done with school, and we will be moving back south.  Both for me to start Grad school and for us to be closer to my in-laws….who are the most awesome people in the whole world, I am damn lucky to have them. Ok, two things get me through; so, that and knowing my hubby is with me every step of the way.

My kids are too young to understand exactly what’s going on, but they know and feel mommy is stressed, agitated, and short tempered.  I feel terrible and I am working on staying calm, but all I really wanna do is sit in the corner and cry.  Must remember one day at a time, one day at a time.

I know lots of people are out there struggling, and that I am not alone.  And that is somewhat comforting, and have read some others blog stories, knowing that people have it far worse than I.  But, I needed to vent; so thanks for listening 🙂

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